Hate
by AquilaTempestas
Summary: Kai questions his worth.


**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Hate

**Summary**

Kai questions his worth.

**.**

I hate myself. Hate the reflection that stares at me in the mirror. Hate the way my parents look at me, like I was mistake. Every day I have to bear the brunt of their snide and their critical comments. I'm sorry I'm not the brightest crayon in the box; I'm sorry that I'm not the most social person on earth and I'm sorry I'm the person you want me to be. I'm beginning to think that life is just one big joke. A joke on me.

I've been taught emotions are weak. I've been taught not to give a shit about anyone or anything. And it tears me up inside. Is it wrong to care for other people? To want to help others? According to my parents (especially my father) it's close to a sin. Crying is forbidden. Being sad is a sin. And thinking of suicide makes you stupid. So what is there left to feel? Nothing. No joy and no anger. Life is bleak.

I guess that's why I turned out bitter, quiet and anti-social. I've been criticized so many times I can't even trust myself to do the right thing. Everything I do, I hear the voices of my parents in the back of my mind, taunting me. Calling me names, calling me weak and calling me a fool. I sometimes wonder if I died would they even care? Would they mourn my passing? Would they even shed one tear? Probably not.

I guess my parents aren't entirely to blame, they grew up in a pretty rough life. Mum grew up in a third world country where women were treated like crap. She grew up in a country where people were stabbed to death by machetes or gunned down by machine guns. Grew up in a household of domestic abuse. She never had the chance to get an education or to make a life for herself at all.

Dad on the other hand grew up in a family that just didn't care. He was naturally intelligent, got the highest marks, won numerous engineering awards and received top scholarships. I guess you could say he was a nerd but not a stereotypical nerd. Dad doesn't like having friends, in fact would rather prefer to have enemies. Sounds like a load of bull shit right? And that's not all. Ever since dad developed an infatuation with the stock market, he became even more ruthless than before.

I'd always bear the brunt of such comments like: 'no matter what, you are always wrong,' and 'argue with me again and I'll fucking hit you' and 'you are so irresponsible and I expect you to pay me back the full amount' everytime I lost something. I don't have a high paying job in fact I earn less than one hundred dollars a week.

Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I have psychological problems or maybe they are right. Maybe I'm just a waste of space. I've got good friends, I'm healthy, I'm young, I'm not poor, not heartbroken, I've got no reason to do this as I don't feel any existential pain or agony but I'm just not happy. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm stupid. Perhaps a combination of both.

'It's no big deal, don't let it bother you'. My parents' favourite lines. Well I'm sorry, mum and dad, but it is a big deal! No one, not even one of you, has ever told me that I have any worth! I cannot think of any other way to end this. Maybe, after I am dead, people will finally realize what potential I had.

I always thought that out of all the millions of people in this world, there would be at least one person who would understand me. I have found out that I was wrong! There is not one person in existence that really cares. I have friends... but they don't care. They are too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about mine.

All I wanted was to feel appreciated. I've never been in a relationship and I never bonded well with certain types of people. I've always felt ridiculed made to feel pathetic and weak. I guess that's just what I am – weak. I'm surprised I even have friends. I'm rambling but venting helps... even if it's only temporary. I should probably ask for help but I'm scared. What if my parents found out I was seeking assistance? Surely they would think I was insane. I guess it's time to stop prattling now and end it here. This is my decision and mine alone. My music didn't influence me. My taste in movies did not change the way I thought so please do not blame them. This is my decision.

And finally... to my friends: My work is done. Why wait?

.

The last line 'To my friends: My work is done,' is taken from inventor, George Eastman who committed suicide on March 14th, 1932. Basically, this one shot basically represents aspects of my life so it's quite personal. Review if you liked.


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